[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
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5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Happy Febuary everyone!
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Basically.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.