I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
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Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Not all heroes wear capes…
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”