{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
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While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.