Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
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I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra