I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
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My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition