[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
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Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”