My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
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me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!