Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
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I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.