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“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
umm…
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass