Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
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We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.