To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
You Might Also Like
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.