5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
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I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt