70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
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Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”