GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
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What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
the world’s most popular steaming services
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
any last words?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are