Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
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If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
😆this is so true