My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
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Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Looking at you, Jesus.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him