Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
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her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.