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Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
the three branches of government
The struggle is real.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
😂 amazing answer
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.