Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
You Might Also Like
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
🤭😂
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.