The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
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Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
s
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Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME