At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
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BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe