drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
buying dead houseplants to save time
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
The hardest thing Vision has to do
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.