Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
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It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
my retirement plan is braless
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper