She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
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Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.