Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
They got Raph!
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.