[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
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Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
you will never know the true number of layers
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.