*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings