@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
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bought wrong eggs
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something