Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
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If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
starting a garage orchestra
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
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My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.