[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?