Had an epiphany today.
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When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Webb. James Webb.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it