[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.