Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
that’s really how it is
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
“What?”
– Jude
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?