Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
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ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”