The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
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6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie