Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
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People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
what’s really going on
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this