My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
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Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
This is a bad sign
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.