When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
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INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Life cycle of cat
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.