It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
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describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!