My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
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My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?