bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
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[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my momās toilet, in holy matrimony
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that theyāre miniature versions of you
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I didnāt answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didnāt feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend Iām not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I like being married but not every day.
šššš
I wrote āI loathe ā and ac finished it with āpeopleā. Iām gonna marry my phone.
me: time for sleep š
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
The minute the pilot asked me for āa lilā help?ā spinning one of the planeās front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day thereās pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I am leaving Twitter. I canāt take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
true crime documentaries are like āthis serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???ā
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I just want to be as hot as a grandparentās living room at Christmas.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Some of yāall never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
The only time Iām happy that Iām short, is when Iām laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered