Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
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Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
If looks could kill
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera