Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
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Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
you know what ruined my childhood? children
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here