Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
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Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.