Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
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My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Wednesday
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?