[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
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Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Ha