She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
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Ok team, today we’re …..oh
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
only 11 steps left
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married