“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
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Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Oh my god
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
My wife has the worst taste in men.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”