Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
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her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t