Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
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No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.